You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
