He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
