You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
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Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
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Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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