There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm getting married
To pizza
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
