I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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