I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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