I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
