I just cut my nipple shaving
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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