Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
