woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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