Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize