on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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