Old men and throwing up are my life now.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
