I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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