my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
