I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
