Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
