you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
