God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
