were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
