Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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