apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
