I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
It was confusing and full of hummus
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
