If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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