I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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