He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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