i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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