I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
