its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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