Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
