The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
