Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He told me they were just razor bumps!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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