If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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