How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
