he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
