oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
