i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
