Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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