Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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