Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
