my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so let's talk penis.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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