i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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