dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
