how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
