I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
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he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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