lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
