I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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