last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
