fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
