I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
