we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
