I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
