hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
