Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
