If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
