listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
